In the enchanted circle!

10. Om mano rupeksu kodandayai namah: I bow down to Amma who holds in her hand a sugarcane bow that represents the mind.

I was 19 when I first met Amma. Impressionable, overly Eager. At the threshold of youth, when everything seemed ready to be subjugated. When the world seemed ready to be ruled by my dreams.

24 years have passed. I'm neither impressionable nor overly eager. Life's taught me enough to know that no one can get subjugated by another. I've also learnt that my dreams can only rule my life and that my dreams will take me as far as I want it to.

The only constant then and now, has been Amma. Some years, Her presence has been immense, throbbing in it's vitality. Some years, I have allowed it to diminish, being consumed by worldly pursuits. And yet, Amma's always been there for me, patiently waiting, just there, where the path bends towards a clearing in the woods.

Whenever I see a photograph of Amma, it always takes me a little by surprise. For no matter when it was taken: whether in the 70's or now, that look of divinity and love on Her face has remained unchanged. For Her true nature was, is and will always be to Love. Amma's mind only has place for Her children in it. How else does one explain the fact that after hugging nearly 3000 devotees, Amma still remembers me from the previous day? Bindu can meet Her anywhere and Amma will reach out and ask her questions about her family. In the past month, Michael has received darshan from Amma a gazillion times. Yet, the next person will remain as precious for Her, as will Michael. How does Amma embrace so many of us, reach out to each one of us and ensure that each of Her children walks away feeling "I'm special!"

Because we are special to Her. Each one of us.
Because She's love. Pure and simple.
Because She holds in Her hand a sweet sugarcane bow that represents the minds of each of Her million children. And She'll always ensure that we are where we ought to be: In the circle of Her love!

Om Amriteswariye Namah!

My Radiant Amma!

9. Om krodha karankus ojvalayai namah: I bow down to Amma who shines, bearing the goad of anger

Amma who shines. There is undoubtedly an aura about Her. It's an aura that has been generated from all the love She holds. If you hold a love that can reach out to millions across boundaries and borders, it has to shine forth. If you hold compassion that washes away sadness from a million hearts, it has to shine forth. And if you hold divinity that can cloak a devotee in absolute grace, it has to shine forth. Amma, You radiate beauty and love, compassion and bliss. There has to be a reason why I cry tears of joy when I see You; why my heart feels empty when I know the wait will be for a year before my next darshan. Why does my heart ache for You so many times? Like today, driving on the ECP and listening to "Mata Rani," why did tears spring into my eyes? Why did I feel the overwhelming, aching need to see you? To be held by you? Why do I pray every night that I may see You in my dreams? Why does longing sit like a dull ache within me? Why does a brother's visit to the ashram fill me with joy and jealousy all at once?

You bear the goad of anger. Is this the anger that You've taken away from all the devotees who have surrendered to you? You once mentioned in a satsang that anger is a double edged sword hurting the person who feels angry and the one towards whom the anger is directed. Every time You hug us, you do more than just envelop us in Your love...You take away all our accumulated sins and vices, including the double edged sword of anger. And it is that You hold in Your lower left arm, the goad of anger.

My darling all embracing Amma, please give me the grace to always remember the multitudinous ways you have channelled grace in my life. Please let me remember that You sit for hours sacrificing worldly comfort ONLY so that we may lead better lives. Give me the eyes to see that whatever You do, is for the world's own good. Give me the ears to hear the whispers of comfort You send my way. Give me the lips to only speak good to others, as You would deem correct. And while on this journey of life, whenever I feel anger towards life or the unfairness of it all, please pull it away from me. For to receive You in this body, I have to be free of all vices. For only then can my heart become a temple to seat The One who Shines Forth!

Om Amriteswariye Namah!

Amma and the tug of love!

8. Om raga svarupa pasadhyayai namah: I bow down to Amma who is holding the rope of love in Her hand.

All the world's a stage and we're just puppets...thankfully, in Amma's hands! And the rope that Amma holds isn't just one of love. It's our lifeline.

So for one second I do the unthinkable: stand back and think of my life bereft of Amma's presence. It's such an alarming thought. All I can see is barrenness. Emptiness. And a darkness. My life may well have continued with the very same events but each minute, each day, would have had no grace or joy in it. I'd have been like a rudderless boat in the middle of the ocean drifting to wherever the waves took me. My spiritual landscape would have been unchartered territory and I would never have known gratitude.

I truly have much to be thankful to my father for. His seemingly innocuous words: "There's a Lady called Amma and She's a guru. I want us to go and visit Her in Vallickavu." A train ride and then the queue for darshan. 3 days that changed my life forever. When Amma hugged me for the first time, She gave me more than a loving embrace; She silently handed me that invisible lifeline of unending love. Every time I go back to Her, She renews the lifeline and suffuses it with even more love, more compassion and more grace.

I see the rope as more than just a rope. Apart from being a salvation, it's also an umbilical cord. We're tied to Her forever!! She's got it strongly around us and I know now that She'll never let us go. For how can She? She's a mother. But the doubt never lay in Her walking away. It's in us blind devotees who can't fathom the full extent of Her overwhelming love. When our faith breaks down and we question and doubt, She's smiling and pulling the rope even closer to Her. And then She carries us, roped and all, across the turbulent waters.

There are many a times I live in disquiet, Amma. I question. I falter. But if I should meditate deep enough, I'm sure I can feel that rope of love binding gently around me and the tug I feel at my heartstrings must surely be just that!

Om Amriteswariye Namah!

The Goddess with four arms!

7. Om catur bahu samanvitayai namah: I bow down to Amma who is four armed

In Hindu mythology, Lord Visnu, the paramatma, is a four armed God. He holds a lotus flower in one hand, a mace in the other, a conch and a discus in the upper limbs. For me, Amma is the Supreme being, the Leader of the world. She's a four armed Goddess. Amma's lotus flower is love; the mace is Her smile; the conch is Her compassion and the discus is Her ever embracing selflessness.

I go by the theory that Amma is more than what we see. Imagine if one day Amma revealed Her true self, Her true resplendent universal motherhood self! Would we have the spiritual eyes to take in the explosive form? Would we have the strength to understand how the universe has been lovingly contained in a human body?

Amma uses Her four arms to reach out and wipe every tear, to console every tired heart, to remove the pain from every aching body. She uses it to weave miracles into the warp and weft of our every day lives. She uses it to bring me good news in the mail, to help me press the brakes just in time to avoid the reckless, speeding bus, to hold my ailing father up when I thought his knees would buckle under, to wake me up at the dead of the night and check on my daughter just when she had fallen off her bed. Amma uses Her four arms to show Bindu the future and clear the path that lies ahead for her; to show Michael how to make the right decisions for a spiritual life ahead; to show Lakshmi and Rhea what it means to be growing up with the temptation of fickle life choices ahead.

When we stand in the darshan line, volunteers tell us "don't hug Amma, Amma will hug you." But of course!! Because Amma who hugs us with so much motherly love, is actually doing so with Her four arms! Which means all those times we've been blessed by Her embrace, we've actually walked away with four times the bliss!

Om Amriteswariye Namah!!

A thousand suns!

6. Om udyad bhanu sahasrabhayai namah: I bow down to Amma who has the radiance of a thousand rising suns

As dusk approaches, the sun slowly disappears over the horizon and slips away quietly to wash over another land. As night takes over, all color and hues are lost to the darkness. And yet, with the first rays of the benevolent sun, nature works its magic once again. There is a clarity that the night cloaked and the world resonates with life once again. The green trees no longer look like shadows swaying gently as if in unison to a deathly beat. The nothingness over a sea gives way to gentle waves dancing with fairy lights twinkling on them, as the sun throws it's rays on the mighty waters.

Whenever I see Amma, I don't see the sun in her. Because the sun is just one of 100 billion stars in the milky way. How can I see the sun in One who provides the light and the shade? How can I see the sun in Her who gives the warmth and keeps me safe from the heat? How can I see the sun in Amma whose cool touch calms my heart?

When I see Amma, words come to life: Radiance, Divinity, Beauty, Compassion, Understanding, Patience, Love. I see in Her a mirror that makes me reflect. I see in Her a Mother who has reached out and embraced me, protecting me with her cloak of love. I see in her a non judgmental friend who I can confide in any time, any day...And this is why Amma has the radiance of a thousand rising suns. She tirelessly and selflessly gives of Herself, reaching out to the millions who have come for shelter in Her shade. She has changed the spiritual landscape of the world. Today I can walk into an ashram in Tokyo and connect to a devotee there only because we speak the same language: Amma. Her radiance has spread across the world. One day there'll be a new map titled Amma's Love. It'll encompass each holy land which Amma's footsteps have graced, where Her all encompassing love has reached. All the lands where Amma's radiance has risen, never to set.

My Amma, who is God, Guru, Mother to the world. My Amma, who is omnipresent. My Amma, who makes me want to be a better person. How can She be just one celestial body? Her brilliance is nothing short of at least a thousand rising suns!

Om Amriteswariye namah!

An infinite universe

5. Om deva karya samudyatayai namah: I bow down to Amma who is intent on fulfilling the wishes of the Gods

Mother Ambika, who I meditate on, whose resplendent form I find bliss in, is none other than my Amma. My mother, who hungrily reaches out for me when I appear in front of Her for darshan. She hugs me tight and whispers sweetness into my ears. I smell roses, I feel loved and the embrace is one only a mother can give: "You're safe, in my arms"

I know I am safe Amma, under the umbrella of your Being & your grace. How can I not be? I'm in the presence of the creator and the protector, the very universe itself. For She is God.

I find this mantra an anomaly. It says Amma is intent on fulfilling the wishes of the Gods. But Amma is God. The scriptures may well say that a Guru is the path to God: "Gurukrupa he kevalam shishyaparam mangalam"...Only by the grace of the Guru can the disciple attain ultimate benefaction. But what if we, Amma's devotees, are doubly blessed? Because our Guru and God is one! In whatever form we see Her, She is Everything. She's my Mother, my Father, my Sister, my Brother, my Child, my Boss, my Friend, my Silence, my Words. How then can She not be God Herself?

And this God who we are so blessed and fortunate to have, fulfills our wishes, every day. Yes, I forget this every time I am faced with difficulties. I turn away and unburden to a friend when in fact Amma is waiting patiently to solve it for me. But I can't see! If I could, I would have been blinded by the sheer presence of the universe's divinity in one human physical form! I suffer from spiritual blindness every now and again. And this has no cure in bottles or vials. It's only cure lies in immaculate faith. In knowing that Amma, who is God Herself, lives only to fulfill our wishes and to take us on the correct spiritual path. She tirelessly works at removing every tear drop, every veil of sadness. She feels my pain and my joy. She could be in Chicago but I can feel Her presence in Singapore. And it is only because She has reached out to fulfill yet another wish of mine.

Amma, my darling humble Amma, you teach me lessons every day. In humility, in perfection, in spirituality, in parenting. Even a glass blade moves only because of your presence and your sankalpa. And I wonder what that day will be like when you reveal a larger part of your Divine Glory to the world!! For She who can fulfill the wishes of the Gods, has to be the infinite universe Herself.

Om Amriteswariye namah!  

Jagad Janani, Mata Bhavani!

4. Om cid agni kunda sambhutayai namah: I bow down to Amma who was born in the fire pit of Pure Consciousness.

One of the most beautiful things about Amma (and the list is long!) is her voice. She sings in a voice I cannot describe...because what quality do you ascribe to a voice that resonates with perfection, that brings to life devotion, that suffuses your heart with a bliss so deep, it has to be expressed through tears? Perhaps the closest word that gives the most accurate description, is "divine". A divinity that can only come from a state of pure consciousness...where She merges with the realm of divinity and becomes One with it.

So have I been lucky to see Amma in a state of Pure Consciousness? During a bhajan perhaps, when Amma's eyes close and Her face reflects a state of bliss; during darshan maybe, when Amma looks away if only for a fraction of a second; during the Aarti when Amma looks down, eyes shut and hands folded in a pranam? Where is She then? What is She seeing through those closed eyes? Is that when Amma silently walks away to listen to Her multitudes of devotees the world over? Is that when Amma listens to me calling out to Her? Is that when Amma ceases every thing and hears a cry from across the world? Is that Her state of Pure Consciousness?

How miniscule my vision is! For Amma is beyond everything that can be defined; Amma is beyond everything that can be encapsulated. She isn't just merging with Pure Consciousness, she was born in the fire pit of Pure Consciousness. That silent state of inner wakefulness. That state where the why, when and how don't matter. Where even the who melts away into nothingness. Where the wise walk in after years of working at removing the ego. Yet my Amma was born into it! She is it! An egoless divine presence who has embraced the world in a tight grip of love.

And one day when my mind learns silence and my eyes are shut, I might finally have the vision...and the grace, to get a glimpse of Amma's state of Pure Consciousness!

Om Amriteshwariye namah!

The throne that embraces the world!

3. Om srimat simhasanesvaryai namah: I bow down to Amma who is the Queen of the most glorious throne.

Those who volunteer at Amma's programs will know the flurry of activity that goes in to preparing the stage and the setting for Amma's arrival. As the stage is being given finishing touches, devotees from the ashram pay perfect attention to the seat Amma will sit on. A beautiful drape goes over it and care is taken as ends of the fabric are gently tucked away. All the creases are lovingly rubbed down and a practiced hand will ensure there is nothing to disturb or create discomfort for the Empress of the universe. For She must sit on a throne that befits Her glory; a throne from which She reaches out and performs the unfathomable miracle of delving deep within us and awakening a consciousness we thought not possible. This throne must accommodate a love that envelops the universe and all of blessed mankind. This throne must have the capacity to hold Her infinite compassion that transcends genders, nationality, races, religions, social stature.

Many a times I have jealously looked on, as the lucky devotees from the ashram prepared this throne. And many a times I have wondered whether the seat remained inanimate after that. After Amma leaves the programme, devotees scramble to touch the throne, to pick up scattered petals, to touch the tissue that Amma used (which now lies tucked away in a happy corner of the seat) or to merely smell the arm rest that teasingly smells of Amma and roses. Reminders that Amma was there. Is there. And in that preserved rose petal, will still be there. The drape is taken out as gently as it was put on. The seat is moved away and somewhere else soon, another seat will be prepared that will hope to seat all that compassion, love and beauty. Amma, the queen of our hearts, will sit down on many more thrones, making each one glorious and worthy.

But for me, it goes beyond a seat prepared with love. For me, the glorious throne is my heart. Our heart. Which we lovingly prepare removing all the blemishes, tucking away all ends that need to find their place. Our hearts and our minds that will only walk the rightful path as defined by Her, straying from which may cause Her discomfort. Our hearts are Her true thrones which we need to make glorious and befitting, through our actions and thoughts, of Her presence.

And I pray to you Amma, to give me the strength to do what's right, always. It's only then that your infinite compassion and love can be seated within me.

Om Amriteswariye Namah!

The Empress of my Universe!

2. Om sri maha rajnyai namah:..I bow down to Amma who is the empress of the universe 

When Amma walks into a hall for satsang or darshan, what one sees isn't a small woman from Kerala; her stature can't stay confined to her height because she towers over every one in terms of her sheer presence. Every pair of eyes stays riveted on Her, mesmerised by Her majestic presence. Every person in the room wishes they could reach out and touch Her hand: those soft hands that calm, love and console all at once. Every one in the room wishes they could garland Her, wash Her feet, hold the flower petals, anything! Every one in the room wishes they could sit in front of the stage, where She may see you. When Amma speaks, the voice that can be compared to no other fills the air and my heart. When She sings, I hold on to the tune like one would, life itself. When Amma begins to give darshan, I wait, filled with hope. Love. Happiness. Sorrow. Life's lessons. And when that all engulfing embrace is over, I leave with the warmth only a mother can provide.
And yet therein lies the wonder. Because She's so much more than just a mother. She's the creator, the preserver and the destroyer. She's my universe. She's my provider. She's my answer and my question.
But more than all, She's my Empress. Of my life and my universe.
Om Amriteswariye Namah!

Guru Purnima and Amma's grace!

1. Om Sri Matre Namah: I bow down to Amma who is the Auspicious Mother

It seems fitting to have started this blog on this day: a beautiful night sky enveloping all of Singapore with a full moon that seems to beam its' happiness over us. Guru Purnima. The day we dedicate to our Guru. The day we thank Her for Her ever loving care. For the fact that She has taken us under Her wings and given us shelter from ourselves and allowed us to bask in Her presence.
Our 24 hours. Though She's at it 8760 hours a year, year after year.

Today everything seems blessed by Amma's grace and her presence. I know Amma sits far away in Amritapuri giving darshan to the thousands who have congregated there, including my brother Michael.
But I can feel her presence. It's there in everything. Every thing small and large. The trees, the insects, the air, the food, the smiles, the problems, the solutions. She's smiling at me from the altar and yet, as my dear friend and sister Bindu has so rightly pointed out, Amma is a Guru and God who's refused to live within that exalted frame. She's walked straight into our hearts and whispered: "I'm here. For you."

I first set eyes on Her 24 years ago. I cried while I stood in line awaiting her till-then-unknown embrace. I cried when she embraced me and took me for her daughter. 24 years later, the tears still flow. I'm still to fathom why the tears flow but I've learnt not to question.
Because with Amma, the questions remain unanswered and yet the doors of perception open out to clarity.
Because with Amma, there never is reason to seek reason.
Because with Amma, an attitude of gratitude truly allows the grace to flow.

Amma, please accept my humble pranams and may I always walk the path you have intended for me. Jai Ma!